I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
