I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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