Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How does one acquire holy water?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
