I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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