The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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