My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
