yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
