U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
