this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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