So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize