ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
