I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize