So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
