i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Pants are for mortals
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