Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
