I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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