I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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