her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
