Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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