areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
