if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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