if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
