I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
