Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
