I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
