If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
