He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
