Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
