I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
