FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
