she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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