Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
