Please, let me fuck your mom
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
