Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
