life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
