I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
