i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
