My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
