woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
