Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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