i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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