You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Cover your peen. We're going out.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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