Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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