update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
