She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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