dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize