im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
