You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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