I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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