Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize