my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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