He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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