turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
