she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize