Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize