shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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