Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
