you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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