2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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