So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
should my penis look like a turkey
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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