I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
