I wish life had little blips of pornography
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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