Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
