I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
