do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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