I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
