I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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