Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
